The Key to Lasting Love

The key to lasting love

By Karen Salmansohn

Want to know what causes the dissolution of far too many relationships in this world?

As a best-selling author and motivational coach, I can tell you how it goes in three acts:

Act I: You hurt me.

Act II: Because you hurt me, I hurt you.

Act III: You hurt me even more because I just hurt you, so I hurt you even more. Then you hurt me; then I hurt you; then you hurt me because I just hurt you, so I hurt you more, etc…

The point: It’s easy to act cold/hurtful/stonewalling to someone who you feel has said or done something you perceive as cold/hurtful/stonewalling to you.

But that’s the point. That’s the easy thing to do.

Basically, most of us people as a species aren't mean. We are weak.

It takes effort to consciously, openly, bravely, warmly speak up about the hurt you feel before things spiral negatively downward.

Yes, it takes effort to take the high road and to express your vulnerabilities and concerns with warmth and candor. But this effort is worth it... because love and connection are your true sources for happiness—not money, not shoes, not sports cars... and definitely not the satisfaction of being right about someone or something. (Yes, I know that last one really sometimes does feel as if it will bring us happiness... but in the end it brings us more misery than glory.)

So next time someone you care about does something that you feel isn't very caring at all—put in the brave effort and kill that relationship monster while it's still small.

With this in mind, here are some helpful communication tips to keep in mind:

1. Pick the right time, the right place. Do you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time ahead? Are you in a place where your partner feels like he or she can talk openly and not self-consciously? Are you in a loud restaurant where it’s hard to hear and so you must shout—even before your partner makes you want to shout? In general, the best place to talk is at home alone, where you can sit facing each other, with good strong eye contact. Many psychologists even suggest holding hands as you talk—to keep a warm connection ongoing through all the bumps in the conversation.

2. Before you begin a difficult conversation, make it very clear to your partner that your goal is to create the best relationship possible. Admit you recognize talking about difficult subjects can be uncomfortable, but you’d rather have a difficult conversation now, than a decaying, untruthful, less intimate relationship later. Remind your partner how much you value him or her. Compliment your sweetie on a few qualities you appreciate. In general, be 100 percent certain your partner completely understands and believes your goal