Life - Personal Essay

Life is taking me somewhere i dont want to

go, not for always but just in my thoughts. I am so perplexed by these small incidences which are humiliating and as of now they seem very long lasting. In midst of all the confusion and heart ache I attend a 8 hours class where prof declares a category of people to be not humans... nd sadly i think i belong to that category. But that is least of my worries, when things around are going in such a wrong manner I really cannot

stick to what an idiotically stupid prof questions my humanity. And when i get hurt by stuffs I wonder whether these are new happenings which are hurting me or they always used to happen and only now that I notice them happening that I am hurt. Uff what a confusion though it may not seem so to others but to me it only increases my pain. All the signs around just keep pointing towards the same bunch of friends and they keep telling me that I should come out of illusion but I am so determined to believe in my illusion i keep praying to god that may these be ture and not my mere illusion. I have been of a particular kind but suddenly i realise that being like that, I lose my self respect.. But thats how people love me and now my mission of building self respect looks more like a mission on the road of rudeness. I dont find anything interesting anymore, I feel like doing stuff which I dont think are totally right... and i want to do such things not becoz i like doing them but just becoz i will keep away from bad situations while doing them though in effect bad things keep getting worse. Never before in my life things had such side effects. All the doubts of my mind keep getting denser and darker with passage of time and then I get so unrealistic that I start hoping some angelic friend of mine will set all this right though I know nobody can. Some people blame me of taking a negative attitude but I ask them just one thing will a negative attitude let me keep wishing things to get alright? Though in my heart i answered my question as a No but i guess i asked it from someone else and i am not