The Satire Life of Chuck Norris

The Satire Life of Chuck Norris

Born to a blacksmith, educated by wild animals, trained as a killer, and derided by rivals as a mystical fanatic, Chuck Norris is easily cast as the personification of everything there is to fear about a man. But he may be worse than that- not because of how he looks on the outside, but because of how unstable he is emotionally and mentally.

On January 19, 1952, Sue Ellen Norris felt Chuck’s historic first kick after only one month of pregnancy. It was such a well placed kick that it instantly knocked her out and put her in a coma for the remainder of her life. Her husband Beau Norris knew instantaneously that they’re twelfth child was going to be a wild one. 4.127 months later Chuck Beau Norris was born. He weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces, was 19 inches long, and to his father’s surprise was born with a full beard. When Beau first looked into his newborn son’s eyes he was immediately frozen with fear. To this day he claims that his life flashed before his eyes at the sight of his sons squinty, blue eyeballs.

Three months later Sue Ellen Norris passed away due to internal bleeding caused by Chuck’s violent and precise kicking. At the age of three months Chuck Norris was so distraught that he ran away from home never to return again. He found shelter in a cave with a pack of wolves. He spent the next year and a half hunting and stocking prey and feasting on nothing but raw meat. By the time he was nearly two years old he had become the alpha male of the pack. One day while on a hunt they heard a strange buzzing noise and it kept getting louder and louder. Out of instinct, Chuck began to run from the terrible noise and the pack fell behind. Suddenly he heard a huge crash behind him and as he looked back he saw nothing but fire and smoke rising into the air. The pack that he had grown to love so much was gone. From that moment on Chuck Norris absolutely hated planes, especially planes that crash in the mountain forests and kill packs of wolves.

Chuck Norris wandered the forest for the next couple of weeks mourning the loss of his darling canine companions. By the age of two Chuck Norris had made many friends while mourning; Momma Moose, Stinky Skunk, Rabid Raccoon,